The Many Faces of Self Esteem

Parenting teens is as complicated as we make it. A common mistake parents make is thinking that a high achiever is a person with high self esteem. But high self esteem is not about what you do or what you achieve. High self esteem happens when someone knows, with every cell of his being and every ether of his spirit, that in every moment of every day, no matter what is going on in his life, he knows he is fine.

Someone with high self esteem knows that the most horrendous event will be handled. There may be unfathomable pain in the process and all will be well at some point in time. The reason people survive and bounce back is they have high self esteem. The strength that carries him through the challenges is high self esteem. That he is able to view problems as opportunities to grow is high self esteem.

Parents tend to be concerned when their child is withdrawn, sad or even depressed, when he seems to lack enthusiasm for life. Yes, all those behaviors may also be symptoms of low self esteem. And realize they may be symptoms of physical issues too, completely unrelated to the cause of the child’s outward moods.

When a child is out there smiling and being almost bigger than life maybe he is in a great space with high self esteem. And maybe it is all a show. Maybe it is all an act to protect himself or you, his parent. Just maybe he is afraid to let you down because he doesn’t know he will be loved if he is not the “star” and the “best” at everything he does.

It is funny when you stop and notice that psychologists explain away “bad” behaviors as calls for help, attempts to get attention. They may even suggest that refusing to give the child the desired attention is the solution to that problem. I am talking about a kid who is so desperate for love (even in the guise of punishment) he is willing to act in ways he knows are undesirable just to know someone cares enough to stop him.

Unfortunately parents stop the behavior because they are embarrassed or feel disempowered by an unruly child rather than to help the child gain acceptance. Does anyone like a child who “breaks the rules” and behaves in ways that take attention from others? Do “troublemakers” have any friends?

What about those super star kids? Their good behavior just may be a call for attention too. For them, the action and award or achievement gets him noticed and praised. He may not know you love him even when he is not the satr adn the best at everything he does. He may not not know he is lovable for doing nothing other than exist.

Being a teen ager is tough. It was hard when you were going through it, right? Today's world presents stresses we never knew! Think a moment. How does your child ask for your attention? In what form do you give it to him?

It is never too late to build high self esteem in your teen.

Life 101: What You are Teaching Your Child

Parenting teens--so much to know! So little time to learn it all!
I have a serect to share with you, something I did not realize until my own children were teens. You are your child’s role model—whether you know it or not, whether you want to be or not. Your child does what you do rather than what you say⎯or the exact opposite just to be different from you. Your young person acts without an awareness of how or why he does as he does.

Do you think knowing how you live your life, since you influence your child, could be powerful information to have? You can by living consciously.

Most people go through life accepting what comes their way. They believe that life just happens. John Lennon spoke for many people with his lyric, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." Mighty disempowering thought.

The thing is, life is what you create it to be. Your belief system can be changed if you want to change it. The way to change your beliefs is to change your daily living patterns, i.e., your life style.

Creating happiness does not involve a "how-to" system as much as it involves a "wake up and live" a conscious life style. Everything that exists in the world starts as thought. Every invention was first an idea in someone's imagination. Every action you take or fail to take was first something you thought about.

Thought creates the world. Thought creates your world. Thought creates your child’s world. What you think about events determines how you respond to events. How your child interprets events determines how he responds to them.

Imagine how differently you would experience each day with the knowledge you have control over how you respond to life events. Do you think your child would be empowered by knowing he is in control of a world where he thinks he is helpless?

What happens happens. Interestingly, in Japan there is one word that means both crisis and opportunity. The same event is a disaster to one person and an opportunity to another.

How you choose to act or not act is up to you. Period. Life was never meant to be difficult. People, with their thoughts, make it hard or easy.

How do you see life? Do you know that struggle is optional? What are you teaching your youngster about experiencing life?

Pay attention to your thoughts. Stop and ask yourself what you were thinking when you experienced a certain emotion or reacted a certain way. You will uncover your unconscious way of life. The next time you experience the same kind of event make a conscious choice to act differently. Teach your child to do the same.

Ah! That is how simple it is to be in control and live on purpose. Life does not simply happen to us. Life happens to us exactly as we choose to experience it. Share the gift of that knowledge with your child.


Live in the truth that life is an adventure to be savored in every moment!

Actions and results, desirable and undesirable, reflect self esteem. To change behaviors, treat the cause not just the symptoms.


Ali Bierman, parent, psychotherapist and author of the popular ebook, Parents, You Gotta Ask Questions: How To Build Adolescent Self Esteem, will take you by the hand and show you how she raised two great kids with open communication. To find out more and grab your gift, the e-course, Parents, Are You Making These 6 Mistakes With Your Teen? click here http://www.saveyourchildnow.com

Teens and Sex -- 5 Must Ask Questions

What I am about to tell you may save the life of your child. In today's world the safety and well-being of your teenager depends on his awareness and knowledge of sex.
It is critical that you, as a responsible and loving parent address that issue in detail. Here are some key questions to broach the subject, to let your child know you care and want the best for him.

Recognize he may be reluctant to speak about something so personal with you if you are not accustomed to sharing feelings and intimate topics. You may feel embarrassed bringing up the subject.
Before you do, be sure you can answer these questions for yourself. Also, decide what you are comfortable sharing about your personal experiences and beliefs on the subject of teen sexuality and activity.

* To start, simply ask your teenager, "What kind of questions do you have or what do you want to know more about regarding sex?" You will certainly grab his attention.

* You may want to throw out some information he is unlikely to know, something like, "Do you know that the sex partners you choose can influence your vulnerability to certain types of cancer?"

The object here is to get your child talking-or at least willing to talk. He may tell you he knows everything he needs to know. Where do you go from there?

* Ask, "Do you know that sex is not the same thing as love?" Watch his face for acknowledgement, disagreement, or confusion. Follow up with, "Sex is physical while love is emotional".

Listen to him. Pay attention to what he says and to the words he does not speak. Notice his body language, hear the underlying message, the words between the lines, his tone, word choice and pace. Note his emotions, eye contact, and whether he is at ease or trying to conceal any discomfort.

If you do observe that he is uncomfortable, tell him you noticed and ask if he wants to talk about what is bothering him. Assure him that you are not here to judge him.
Most important, let him know you are having this talk because you love him and no matter what he has done or is thinking about doing, he is safe talking with you. Tell him nothing can change your love for him.

And then go where he takes you. If he chooses to be silent, let him be silent. It is okay to have silence. You do not need to speak. He may be processing.
Give him the time and space he needs to do what he needs to do. He knows you are available when he wants to talk.

Facts are key. If he has unanswered questions, where can he go for accurate information? The streets, his friends, and the media may not be the best place to find what he seeks on the subject of sex.

* Be sure you ask your child, "Do you know that protection is not a 100% guarantee of health, safety or an absolute deterrent to pregnancy?" Be sure he knows the consequences of the actions he may or may not take.

* Follow-up with, "Do you want help or advice in obtaining protection?" That question is especially important for girls who may want to see a gynecologist and may not know how to find a good one who can take care of her needs.

If your teen uses the Internet, know that more than 61,000 searches were done in the month of April on phrases dealing with teen pornography. What pages is your child visiting? Ask. Know that if you impose your will he will go elsewhere to pursue his desires. Build trust with your teenager.

The purpose in having this talk is education. I do not, in any way, shape, or form, advocate teen sex. However, statistics show that youngsters as young as 13 engage in sexual activity. Have the talk now.

When hormones and peer pressure kick in, a wise and educated youngster, who has previously given thought to and made decisions about his actions, has a better chance of living the life he wants than one who has not prepared himself for the inevitable emotions and situations that will come up in life.

Actions and results, desirable and undesirable, reflect self esteem. To change behaviors, treat the cause not just the symptoms.

What is the cost, to you and to him, of not knowing where your teenager stands on sex?

Ali Bierman, parent, psychotherapist and author of the popular ebook Parents, You Gotta Ask Questions: How To Build Adolescent Self Esteem, poses 14 questions on sex and a total of 189 questions covering nine areas of life.
To find out more and grab your gift, the e-course, Parents, Are You Making These 6 Mistakes with Your Child?
click here now http://www.saveyourchildnow.com

Communicating With Teens -- 7 Never Fail Secrets

Allow me to paint you a picture. You and your teen talk about issues and rules as they come up. While you have disagreements that you resolve, you never have fights where one person wins and the other loses.
Sound impossible? I raised two kids that way and now I am going to share seven steps to lead you down the same path.

* If you want your child to talk with you, then give him a reason to trust you. Keep his confidence. Ask him if what he tells you is something between the two of you or if it is okay to share it with anyone, including family members. Honor his wishes.

* When you listen, be there 100%. Erase any other thoughts or postpone them until later. Let your mind be free to focus on what your teenager is communicating -- spoken and unspoken.

You can be there, fully at 100%, when you are not listening to that Little Voice in your head tell you about your child or what he is saying. Instead you will actually be listening to the words of your child, his emotions and his complete message! Big difference. Huge impact for both you and for your teen.

You must be free from agendas to be there 100%. You have no idea what your teen is about to tell you nor do you have any idea what he wants in coming to you, so ask.

* Ask how your child wants to be listened to. Does he want an opinion, suggestions, advice, or does he just want to blow off steam? No guessing allowed! When you guess wrong, you frustrate him by going in a direction he does not want to go. He may see his effort to talk with you as a waste of time and decide not to make that mistake again.

* For accurate communication, ask questions -- not intrusive, prying ones, but check-ins to be certain you are hearing the message as your child intended you to hear and interpret it.

Be sure you are hearing what your teen means to say rather than what you want your teen to say or what you think your teen should say. Respond to a thought saying something like, "Is it accurate that you do not like it when X happens?"
If that is correct, he will say yes and if not, then he will state his thought differently. Check again -- you want to understand him.

When your child sees that you are truly available and paying attention he just may feel understood -- at least in that moment. The more moments he feels that way, the more frequently he will talk to you.

* Listen without judgment.

* Listen without expectation. When you have no attachment to what will be said or the outcome of what you hear, then you are free to pay attention to every word and every non-verbal clue.

Take all that information, check for your accurate understanding, then follow through with the request your child made for how he wants you to listen to him.

Your young adult may share things that surprise or scare you. He may do that to see your reaction -- or he may do that because he trusts you enough to be frank and honest. Your challenge is to listen honestly.

If you are surprised, it is okay and, in fact wise, to say so. Note that it is honest to share your feelings about what he said. However, telling him he is wrong or he should have done such and such differently is judging.
You might follow the judgment with a conviction and a sentence. Such actions could cause you to lose the trust that led to his coming to you in the first place. Then you are back to having a teenager who doesn't talk and likes to fight.

Consider that there is more than one way to do things and there is more than one solution to any problem. When your child tells you about something you cannot understand, ask about his thinking that led to that action. Ask as many questions as you need to so you can see his perspective.

Seeing his perspective is not the same as approving or agreeing with it. On the other hand, you may gain a fresh view on whatever the issue is.

*If your child has done something that breaks a law or a rule in your family, address that issue. Brainstorm for solutions together. Empower your teen to be responsible for every action he takes -- or fails to take -- in his life.

Pretending not to notice undesirable behaviors will not make them disappear. Follow the same brainstorming techniques to deal with such instances. You will be surprised how simple it is to create win-win outcomes. I did not say easy. I said simple. Success happens after doing it, doing it, doing it, until it becomes natural. Yes, that task may take effort and seem like work.

Actions and results, desirable and undesirable, reflect self esteem. To change behaviors, treat the cause not just the symptoms.

What are the hidden thoughts of your teen costing him -- and you?

Ali Bierman, parent, psychotherapist and author of the popular ebook, Parents, You Gotta Ask Questions: How To Build Adolescent Self Esteem, will take you by the hand and show you how she raised two great kids with open communication. To find out more and grab your gift, the e-course, Parents, Are You Making These 6 Mistakes With Your Teen? click here http://www.saveyourchildnow.com